A McDonald’s big mac meal, some dollar menu chicken nuggets with barbeque sauce, a pack of Hostess Snoballs, and an Entenmann’s marshmallow devil’s food or banana crunch cake to top it off – that’s my go to meal when I’m in an “I’m so unlovable, I’ll never find a guy who wants to be with me, I’ll never find someone to have kids with and soon I’m going to be too old to have kids and I’m going to die old and alone in a nursing home so why the fuck shouldn’t I eat what I want?” kind of mood.
Such was my mood last night. I skipped the gym yesterday and went to happy hour after work. Once again I gave myself an excuse to drink – I was emotionally drained. But I did well – I only had one vodka and water, and I nursed it for over two hours. I was feeling really sad and kept tearing up, so finally I said goodbye to my friends and headed home. The entire train ride home, all I could think about was getting to my apartment so I could have a nice sob.
I had to walk right by McDonald’s on my way to my car. “Oh man,” I thought, “How good would a big mac be right now?” That led me to think of all the other delicious foods I could be stuffing my face with. Then I passed by a Subway. Then a Chinese restaurant. Then a pizza place. Then a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. Then one of those Mexican trucks that sells burritos. It was kind of ridiculous.
But I was never tempted to stop, even though I was hungry. I have gone over three weeks without eating any carbs, sugar, fat, etc., and I’m not going to start now just because I’m a little bit sad. Sometimes it really IS mind over matter. When I got home I made myself a quick dinner of crabmeat and radishes, and for dessert I allowed myself three strawberries, and it was pretty satisfying.
After I ate I came on WordPress and read a whole bunch of relationship blogs. It’s sad to see that women EVERYWHERE, no matter what their ages, are going through the same bullshit as me. There is definitely strength in solidarity, and while I didn’t feel better about my situation I no longer felt the need to cry about it.
I’ve lost 15 pounds so far.