Coming on too strong?

I feel like E has been coming on wayyy too strong, and it has been a total turn off. But I wonder if it’s only a turn off because I don’t really like him?

I was feeling this way about him even before our motorcycle date. Here is our text conversation from last Friday. Keep in mind, we’d had our first date on Tuesday, our impromptu bike ride on Thursday night, and we had plans to hang on Saturday afternoon.

Him: If you ain’t busy with your friends tonight, maybe we could do something chill again in the evening.

I guessΒ  there’s really nothing wrong there, although I think there is something to be said for being at least a little bit unavailable, to make it seem like you’ve got stuff going on. But if I really liked him I would probably have been SO EXCITED that he already wanted to hang out again. I told him I couldn’t (I had my date with the Rocker that night).

Him: I have some friends who will be doing something local tomorrow night, if you’re interested.

In my head I was like “Really? We already have plans for tomorrow afternoon, and you’re asking me to hang out tomorrow night as well? And you already want to introduce friends into the mix?” He just seemed too eager. I asked what they were doing, and he said drinking at a friend’s and then going to a local bar for St. Patty’s day. I said thanks but no, there would be too much temptation for me to get drunk and I’m trying to follow this diet.

Here’s the rest of our conversation:

Him: 😦 you can just crack up at our stupidity! Plus I’ll loosen up a bit.
Him: Regardless I dig hanging with you and getting to know you, though I’m never sure what you’re thinking. πŸ˜‰
Him: What do you do when you go out with your friends?
Him: We could do hookah or Karaoke or dancing. Just you and me! You’re way cooler than them anyway!
Me: You seem pretty loose already lol. I’m not going out tomorrow night at all, because I’m going to NJ early Sunday morning.
Me: Lol you’ve seen how shy I am, do you actually think I would do karaoke? πŸ™‚
Him: Ha. Excellent point. I’m always amazed by beauties like yourself being shy! It’s so odd to me. You should be running shit girl!
Him: We still on for the day?
Me: Lol thank you. Yup.
Him: I’ll help you run shit beautiful!
Him: I want to dance with you. It’ll be the one not-shy thing I’ll see from you! πŸ˜‰
Me: Lol this convo is too much for me right now.
Him: Alright. I’ll wait till I’m in front of you to talk this way.
Him: Your hotness is making me smoke more. Damn you woman! πŸ˜‰

I’m really bad at accepting complements, and after soooo many, both on our dates and in our texts, it was getting overwhelming and annoying! And that line “I’ll help you run shit beautiful”..? It just seemed so corny! I rolled my eyes so hard at that. The dancing thing wasn’t totally out of left field, since I had mentioned that I like to dance on our impromptu date, but I think that some things just shouldn’t be said in text. Overall, it was just a case of too much, too soon. We’d only gone out twice!

So yeah, after that text I didn’t reply for the rest of the day. I was turned off, but my friend convinced me that I was overreacting. I still planned to see him the next day for our motorcycle ride. That date went well, and I think that I managed to express that I wasn’t too comfortable with all the complements.

This week I was a bit distant. For one, I was sick. Sneezing, coughing, sore throat, etc. So even if I had wanted to go out, I wouldn’t have. Two – I was so disgusted by my diet relapse over the weekend that all I wanted to do during this week after work was go to the gym and go home. (It worked – I’m down to 135.5, which is lower than my pre-weekend-binge weight.) On Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to see a movie or go to a hookah place.

Me: Theoretically I want to do both of those things, but I’m not sure about doing it during the week.
Him: K. Maybe later in the week I can screw up your schedule again! πŸ˜‰
Me: Lol I’m more worried about screwing up the diet!
Him: You know kisses won’t screw up your diet! Just saying.
Him: It can actually be considered a form of exercise!

It’s funny, because when I read the text conversations we’ve had since our motorcycle date they actually don’t seem that bad. But as the conversations were occurring I felt such anxiety! And that kissing comment? It’s like Dude, we’ve kissed ONCE, calm the fuck down! I think that what it comes down to is that for me, he is acting overly familiar, while I generally take a long time to open up to someone. I could envision having that conversation with someone, but not after only a WEEK of knowing them.

I do think that that if he and I worked together or were in some situation where I got to know him over time then I probably would like him, think he’s cute, funny, develop a crush, whatever. But in this type of dating situation it’s just not working for me. (Also, this is the first time I’ve ever dated someone and NOT had some drinks to loosen up. Maybe that’s what was missing.)

Last night he kinda called me out.

Him: Still dig me?
Me: More or less lol
Him: I figured. I figure you can take me or leave me at this point.
Him: Checking your options and hoping I ain’t it! πŸ˜‰
Him: Don’t worry you have tons more options.
Me: Lol it’s not exactly like that
Him: I’m sure you’re too shy to notice – perhaps.
Me: ?
Him: Well, I don’t want to be constantly bother you, so perhaps you should let me know when you would like to hang out again.
Me: I will.
Him: Okay.

I started to text him various explanations, like “I have fun but I want to take things slowly” or “I like you but you’re being too pushy” or “I’m sick this week but let’s hang next week,” but realized that I don’t owe him any explanations. So where we are right now is actually perfect – if I want to pursue something I can just text him, but if not then I don’t feel bad.


About notchangingmyname

I'm a thirty-something, about-to-be-divorced, former blogger trying to navigate single life.
This entry was posted in Blog, Dating, HCG, Personal, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Coming on too strong?

  1. jamierboyle says:

    This blog was interesting to me because I find that ( a co-worker who does online dating and always has stories to share ) is much like E. He is overly pushy and some of the conversations I have read, that he has shared, give me anxiety! Sometimes men need to know when to back off a little and not be so eager.

    • I agree! But then it also makes me wonder about the type of signals that I might unknowingly be putting out there that make him think that I would appreciate his behavior. Like maybe I smile when he calls me beautiful, even though I’m rolling my eyes on the inside, but all he sees is the smile and thinks it’s all good.

  2. Jueseppi B. says:

    I am always amazed at the way a woman’s mind works. I don’t know you Ms. notchangingmyname (would I be permitted to call you NCMN?) but I am guessing you are a woman who has been hurt in the recent past, I just started following your blog last week, so I’m not up to speed on your dating situation.

    But I do remember reading you are divorced, so……
    Is it too early to start dating for you? Or are you ready to date?

    • I’ve been separated for three years. I’m definitely ready for dating…I just don’t know if I’m ready for online dating. I don’t think it suits my personality.

      • Jueseppi B. says:

        Online dating is, in my unhumble opinion, the joke of the 22nd century. I need to talk, see, touch, and experience a woman face to face, from the very first encounter.

        Good luck from me to you with that online thing.

        Let me know if you find success.

  3. Keith P says:

    I think folks like this need to be just told up front… it takes me a while to get to know someone… let’s be cool, slow things down… we’re not 90, so we aren’t going to die anytime soon… take a chill pill. I know that being on the other side of this (if I’m into someone more than they are into me), not knowing is the worst feeling. If you’re not into him, just let him know, if you are ‘kinda’ into him, let him know you’ll be moving a bit slower and he needs to chillax, as this kind of thing gets annoying as hell later on. Nice post… thanks for sharing.

    • I agree. I kind of regret how I handled it, in that if I had told him right away that I didn’t like x, y and z, maybe he would have stopped. Oh well, live and learn, right?

      Thanks for reading!

  4. B.L. says:

    Omg girl I’ve met guys like that. I can’t handle it. Overly nice and coming off to strong and needy drives me crazy. He sounds a bit desperate!!

  5. pillar says:

    I don’t think this guy is coming off as pushy or needy. Mabey a little cheesy here and there, but big deal. He likes you and can sense that you’re not feelin him. I’m guessing he started to push a bit in order for you to be honest and upfront with your feelings. When that didn’t happen, he actually asked you point blank, and you still couldn”t fess up, so give the guy some credit! He’s definitly perceptive and is giving you space.. To say he is coming on too strong is pretty selfish on your part, dontcha think? I believe your words were. “I don’t really like him”, and you felt that way after your first date. So why not just tell it like it is.

    • I never thought of it that way, but what you say makes sense. I shouldn’t totally put the blame on him. Though I do believe that once I said no to St. Patty’s Day, he shouldn’t have kept trying to convince me.

      But you’re right. I should have let him know from the start that I wasn’t into him, instead of trying to make him guess. My bad!

  6. Suzyq33 says:

    I feel ur pain…a guy coming on to strong scares me. And yes i question if i really liked a guy maybe it wouldnt scare me but then again i sometimes dont give rhings a chance with the nice guy who is too interested.

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