I had a good time on my date with John on Friday. But now, five days later, I am really annoyed.
But first, Friday. We were supposed to meet right after work at 5:30, but we both ended up having to work late, so we didn’t meet until 7. Which was better, actually, because who wants to eat at 6pm on a Friday? We walked a few blocks over to the restaurant he had picked. Him picking the restaurant was kind of a big deal, because last year when we dated I was usually the one who decided where we were going. Until him I had never been the “dominant” partner in a relationship, and I didn’t really like it.
Our conversation over dinner was easygoing but for the most part very superficial – family, work, upcoming vacations, etc. Still, it was nice to catch up. I really do have a good time when I’m with him. He makes me laugh. By the time dinner was over it was around 9:30. At that point I honestly wasn’t sure if anything was going to happen between us. It was really hard to read him, and I didn’t want to be the one to initiate anything, just in case he wasn’t interested.
I asked him if he wanted to go to a bar, and he said yes. So we walked a few blocks over to a hotel bar. It was a small and intimate setting. Slowly but surely the level of flirting increased, and eventually he made his move and kissed me. The kiss itself was nice…although, at one point I distinctly remember thinking “Wow, I’m not as into this as I should be. Maybe I’m more over him than I thought I was.” But eventually that thought disappeared and I was into it.
After a few minutes of kissing he started hugging me – and that’s when things got confusing. The hug was tender, emotional, and long – at least 2 minutes in each others’ arms, not saying anything, just hugging. As he was hugging me he was stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, etc. To me it wasn’t sexual, it was loving. I really don’t think I imagined that. It was quite unexpected, and as the hug continued I couldn’t help but start wondering, “Okay, what the hell is this about?” But it was comforting at the same time.
At some point afterwards he said to me: “I really missed your little giggle.” THAT pissed me off. Not because I thought it was a cheesy line, but it’s like, you didn’t HAVE to be missing it, you could have had it – and me – the whole time! So why are you here acting like we’re long-lost lovers reunited, when the only reason we’re not together is because of YOU? It was so frustrating. But I didn’t say anything.
The night was over shortly afterwards, because he had to catch the last bus that goes to his neighborhood. We walked together for a few blocks, then he kissed me goodnight and ran off into the night. (He literally ran off – he had to go back to the office first to get his things, and he only had 20 minutes to do so or he’d miss his midnight bus. Like Cinderella.) As per his instructions, I texted him to let him know when I got home. I thanked him again for dinner and told him I had a good time. He responded, it went back and forth for a text or two, and that was it.
AND THAT WAS IT.
If I had written this blog entry immediately after the date, I would have said: “I had a really good time, but I don’t think I feel the same way about John anymore.” That’s exactly what I told my friends when they asked me. And at the time, I meant it. But now it’s Wednesday, five days later, and I still haven’t heard from him. I find myself thinking about him NONSTOP, wondering when he’s going to contact me and why he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. I am extremely annoyed to find myself back in the same obsessive state of mind I was in last year. But it’s even worse this time, because at least back then I knew I liked him. Now I’m going crazy over someone I might not even be interested in anymore!
But maybe I’m only saying I’m not interested because I’m trying to keep my guard up. OR, maybe him being distant and playing hard to get makes me think I want him more than I really do. Maybe that’s always been the reason why I still like him so much – because he’s a challenge. At 33 you’d think I would know myself well enough to know the answer to that, but I don’t.
Regardless, it is apparent that he’s STILL just not that into me. And it’s really not nice of him to initiate this date and the makeout and hug and then just leave me hanging like this. So even though my thoughts are consumed with him, logically I am able to realize that he STILL is not the one for me, and I need to keep it moving.
I am not going to contact him, because I have no desire to fall back into the same situation we were in last year, which emotionally was very unhealthy for me. If he emails me to hang out again, I’m going to say no. I obviously can’t just be friends with him, and he obviously doesn’t want to move forward. So what’s the point?