Real Talk: Paying the price for eating too many cashews

WARNING: This post is kinda gross. It might even be worse than when I posted the picture of my bloody toe with the bits of napkin stuck to it. Just giving you a heads up.

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Do you know what happens when you eat too many cashews?? Well, I didn’t either, so it freaked me the F out when I looked in the toilet bowl this morning and saw…oily poop.

Yes, oily poop. Until today I didn’t even know such a thing was possible.

Here’s the story:

I didn’t want to give in to my carb cravings, so on both Wednesday and Thursday night I decided to snack on some cashews. But of course I overdid it, because mentally I’ve been back in fat girl mode these past few days and I just want to keep eating, and cashews are soooo yummy! I ate well over a cup of cashews each night. Which is a lot of freaking cashews. I also sprinkled them on the huge arugula salad that I had for dinner on Thursday night.

On Friday around noon, I was feeling kind of gassy and my stomach was hurting a bit. I hadn’t pooped since Wednesday, so I figured I’d feel better once I did. And I was right, once I went to the bathroom I did feel better. But…and this is kind of gross…when I was wiping I noticed my poop was green! I didn’t worry about it though. I just figured that it was a byproduct of the arugula salad. Kind of interesting, actually, when you start to think about how the body works.

At around 5:45pm I had to go to the bathroom again. When I pulled down my underwear… I hope you’re still with me, reader, and that you’ll stay with me after reading this…it looked like I’d had an accident. I was in shock. I’ve never actually shit my pants before, but my underwear were dirty and I knew I didn’t have my period, so there was only one thing it could be. I don’t know, maybe I farted too hard or something?

By some miracle I happened to have a clean pair of underpants in my bag. It’s crazy, when I think about it: On Tuesday night I accidentally put the underwear that I had laid out for the next day in my bag with my gym clothes. I didn’t even notice them at the bottom of my bag until Friday morning at work. How freaking lucky was I that they were there?? I mean, when the hell do I ever just so happen to have a clean pair of underpants in my bag?? And to have them on a day when I so desperately needed them?? Maybe there is a God after all.

Fast forward to this morning. After a late night of drinking, I woke up around 9 and immediately had to poop. I don’t normally look in the bowl before I flush, but between the green poop and the pants-shitting incident I figured that this just might be a good time for me to start paying attention to what was happening back there.

My first thought was “What. The. Fuck.” In addition to the poo (which was back to its normal color), it looked like someone had poured a cup of dark oil in the bowl. Never in my life have I seen anything like it! I was scared shitless (hahaha, pun intended).

I immediately turned to google. Seriously, I am sooo happy that I am living in the age of modern technology and that the answer to any question is right at my fingertips. After spending the next hour or so reading a bunch of bulletin boards and articles on the topic, I realized that the oily poop was a result of not being able to digest the fat from all those cashews I’d eaten a few days earlier.

I also learned, from reading other people’s anecdotes, that I did NOT, in fact, shit my pants. Nope, it was just oil seeping out of my ass. No big deal.

Kidding! Of course it was a huge deal. But now it seems to be over. We’ll see what happens the next time I go to the bathroom though. Stay tuned!