I was pretty depressed when I wrote that last post about the Bouncer on Wednesday afternoon, but by Wednesday night I was surprisingly upbeat.
That night was my first Intermediate level salsa class. I started as a beginner in June, and now I’m in Intermediate. Go me! The class was awesome – it was a much faster pace, but I was able to follow along no problem. I think I finally have the confidence to actually go out dancing at salsa clubs. I get ridiculously nervous when I think about it, but I know that once I do it, I’ll be fine.
After that class I took the bus home, and as I was getting off, the (cute, young) bus driver was staring at me, and as he pulled away he was looking back. As I walked from the bus stop to my car I was suddenly in a great mood. Fuck the Bouncer. I’m attractive, guys want me, I am a CATCH! I’m becoming a better dancer, and I’m going to be meeting sooo many guys once I start going out dancing. Soon the Bouncer will soon be a distant memory. I had a lot of pep in my step during that short walk to my car. For most of the next day I was feeling pretty good.
Until John resurfaced.
John is a guy from work that I dated like two years ago, whom I’ve never quite gotten over. It’s like every time I finally get him out of my head and stop thinking about him, he initiates some type of contact and I’m sucked back in. The last time I saw him was at the end of April, when we went to dinner. He hugged and kissed me and told me how much he missed me. Then I didn’t hear from him again for weeks. When he did finally email me I ignored him, and we haven’t spoken since.
(I DO realize there is a pattern here – guys pulling the disappearing act on me. I KNOW it has to do with the guys that I’m picking – unavailable on one level or another. But I’m not thinking about that right now.)
So on Thursday my boss emailed out this form that just about everyone in my company has to sign and return to me. John could have sent me his signed form via interoffice mail, which is what he did last year when we weren’t talking, but he chose to come down and give it to me personally. Okay…
It turned out he filled his form out incorrectly. I told him he could just hand write the correction right there and be done with it, but he said “No. I’ll be back.” When he left I turned to Tiffany with the biggest Kool-aid smile. “Relax bitch,” she said. “That shit,” she motioned between me and where he had been standing, “is not going anywhere.” He looked really cute though, I have to say.
He came back down like 20 minutes later with a new form. We talked a minute or two and then he left.
THEN it turned out that the form my boss sent out had errors. My boss sent out an email saying “Please disregard my earlier email, I will send out a new form tomorrow.”
When John got that message he sent me an email: “Are you kidding me? I’m not filling out any more forms…” One thing about John, ever since we stopped dating, he always needs a pretext for emailing me. Like, he would never just email me saying “How are you?” Instead, he’ll comment on an email that is sent to everyone, say by our HR department, and THEN he’ll ask me how I’m doing.
So I wasn’t surprised when he emailed me. In fact, I had been thinking about emailing him when my boss sent out that email, but I didn’t want to fall back into our old pattern and I definitely didn’t want to initiate anything. But he initiated, and I responded, and we ended having an email conversation that lasted through the rest of the workday and most of Friday.
Even though I know I won’t end up with John, I still couldn’t help being hopeful. Maybe his feelings have changed? Honestly though, I was relieved to have someone to think about other than the Bouncer.
When I woke up on Friday morning I was extra depressed. The Bouncer was the first thing on my mind, which was annoying. I just kept thinking about the amazing time I had with him that last night I saw him, and all the little things he said to me that made me think he liked me. How can someone go from hot to cold, just like that??
Then I started thinking about John. I knew our email conversation would lead to nothing, as always, and that by the end of the day, I would be sad about both John AND the Bouncer.
And that’s exactly what happened. My conversation with John ended after he came down and handed me his updated form. And I was left feeling emptier than ever.
I went to happy hour with my girls that night and got pretty drunk. My mood wavered between “I am sooo depressed” and “Fuck those guys, I can do better.” I had a few drunken revelations that night:
1 – I need to start dating guys who are BETTER than me. Over the past year or two I’ve said at least a half dozen times, “I don’t get it. I’m so much better than him, and yet he doesn’t want to be with me.” Maybe if a guy who is better than me dicks me over, it won’t be such a blow to my self-esteem?
2 – I need to stop putting in so much effort. You want to see me? Then drive your ass to my neighborhood, take me out, decide where we’re going and pay for my dinner. If a guy does all the work and then still dicks me over, at least I won’t feel foolish for making it so easy for him.
3 – I need to slow down, emotionally. For some reason I immediately fall for any guy who expresses the slightest interest in me – if I’m attracted to him, that is. By the second or third time I see him I’ve already imagined our wedding and children. I get invested wayyyy to quickly. This is ridiculous and needs to stop.
4 – I need to slow down, sexually. This is easier said than done. I move faster than I should. I can’t help it, I’m a sexual being! And sometimes the gaps between guys are soooo long that by the time I meet someone I’m attracted to I’m just ready to tear their clothes off!
5 – Always be skeptical – most guys are LIARS! – I’m honest and I don’t think I play games. But not everyone is the same. I need to stop believing that everything a guy tells me is true.
After shedding a few tears over the Bouncer this weekend (not John – I don’t have any tears left for him), I’ve decided to stop dating for awhile altogether. I’m about to head into my busy season at work, and as of today I’m back on a diet until my birthday next month, which means that I’ll be at the gym or going to salsa class every single day. It won’t be hard to keep myself distracted. And maybe in that time I can get in touch with myself and figure out what I’m looking for at this point in my life, and what it will take to get me there.