Sunday was “the Big Day” – I finally told my ex that I want to start the divorce process and that I met someone and am moving to New Orleans. It went really well. In fact, it went so well that I feel like an asshole for ever thinking that he would be anything but fair.
We met up for dinner around 5. I had decided that I would wait until I was more than halfway done with my meal to bring it up, so we spent the first half of the dinner talking about him, his work, his recent trip home to Ireland, etc. Then there was a lull in the conversation, so I said, “I want to get this divorce started.”
He was like “Okay,” and then he said, “Oh, is that why you wanted to get dinner? I was wondering haha.”
After that the conversation went well. First we talked about money and how we were going to split things up, and even though I had been afraid he was going to try to low-ball me, he was more than fair and I was really happy about it.
I did cry a little bit. The truth is that in the 5 years since we separated, my ex and I have become really good friends, always looking after each other. I still consider him family, and we both want the best for each other. When we started talking about why our relationship failed and how sad it was, I cried a bit. Getting divorced is a very emotional process!
Then I told him I had met somebody. Initially I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell him about Dave, but the since things were going so well I figured I might as well. He asked me a few questions about Dave: What’s his name? How old is he? What does he do? I answered all those questions, and then mentioned that he has a kid.
THEN I told him that Dave lives in New Orleans. It took him a second to process that before he said “Wait, you’re not moving to New Orleans, are you??” When I told him yes, the conversation turned into him grilling me about all details of my relationship: How long have you known him? How many times have you seen him? Does he drink? What’s his family like?
I didn’t take any offense at these questions, since I know he’s just being protective. I told him everything he wanted to know. He said, “I have to meet him before you go. I need to make sure he’s a good guy.” I laughed and said, “Well I don’t know about that.” I wouldn’t have a problem with it per se, but I think that meeting would be more than a little awkward, and I wouldn’t do that to Dave. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll invite him to my going away party, and he can meet Dave then.
By the end of the dinner I had managed to convince him that I’ll be okay moving down there. What I actually said was, “I think I’m a much stronger person now than when you and I were together. If I get down to New Orleans and it doesn’t work out, I won’t be afraid to come back to NY because I’m worried about what people will think. If I had been this strong when you and I were together, we probably would have split about three years earlier.”
That wasn’t a low blow. We both know that we stayed in that marriage way too long, and that things were going bad by the third year. So me saying that I wouldn’t make that mistake again seemed to reassure him. He said, “Okay. Just make sure you use protection, so you don’t get pregnant and end up stuck down there.” Lol.
When we said goodbye we hugged and he said “I’m really happy for you.” Then later when he got home he texted me this:
I can only apologize for being over protective but that will never change. We are family for life through our bond and I am happiest of all if you are happy. I’m your rock when you need someone. Husbands and wives may come and go but our bond is eternal. I’m happy for you and will think only positive thoughts.
I replied:
I appreciate that. You are definitely family for life. I’m glad we managed to get through this whole thing and still feel that way.
He said:
Me too. I think I will be a step closer to happiness knowing you are secure and happy. Go for it Ror!! No guts no glory. Meeting him before you move is non-negotiable. I will be on my best behavior. Just so you know.
And that was it. What a relief to finally have that out of the way! My next task is finding a divorce lawyer. We agree on everything, so the process should be relatively easy. Fingers crossed!
notchangingmyname 