I get so emotional

I can’t stand how emotional I get when I’m pms-ing!

This morning the song “Drive By” by Train came on. This song always makes me think of Dave, one because of the words and two because it came on the radio when we were driving to the beach during that first week he was in New York last June, when we fell in love (blech), and we looked at each other while it was playing and just laughed because the words were so appropriate to our situation. This morning I listened for about 30 seconds, thought about Dave, and boom, started crying.

Then I got to work. I walked in the building and rounded the corner to get on the elevator. The elevator was there, but there was a guy blocking my path. We did that little back and forth dance you do when you’re trying to get out of someone’s way but you both keep moving to the same side so you can never get around them. Finally I stopped and let him pass, but in that moment the elevator door closed. And once again I started crying. WTF! Thank god no one was around. 🙂

There must be a disturbance in the space/time continuum

Yes there must be, because I am stuck in this weird place where time is dragging on soooo slowly and yet it is flying by at the same time! It’s dragging because as usual I’m counting the days until I get to see Dave again (March 28th), and flying by because now there are LESS THAN TWO MONTHS until I move to New Orleans.

OMFG! Less than two months!

My rapidly approaching moving date is definitely starting to mess with my mind. I’m not second-guessing my decision at all, but of course every so often these thoughts will pop into my head that make me stop and think. Is this a huge mistake? I’m about to give up my family, my friends, my job (maybe), and my home. What if I get down there and I hate it? What if things don’t work out with Dave? What if his son ends up being a huge brat? What if his ex ends up being a huge bitch and tries to make my life miserable?

These are the things you have to think about when you’re making such a huge, life-altering change, but in reality, I don’t think any of that will happen. I don’t think I’ll hate New Orleans (except for the hot-as-balls summer), I’m as sure about my future with Dave as I can possibly be, and his son is such a little cutie-pie. His ex is the only unknown factor as far as my life down there is concerned, but there’s nothing I can do to control that so there’s no point in letting it stress me out.

The good part is that NY is only a three-hour flight from New Orleans, and it’s a pretty cheap flight, so if I get homesick it’s easy enough for me to come home for a visit. And like my mom said, “If it doesn’t work out, you can always come home.”

I haven’t done most of the things I wanted to do before moving, namely filing for divorce! Haven’t even started the process at all, ughhh. I’ve been waiting for my ex to give me money for the lawyer. That should happen at the beginning of April. If he doesn’t have it for me by then, I will just pay for it myself.

I was on the phone with him the other day, yelling and then crying because I am so frustrated about the lack of progress we’ve made as far as the divorce and everything related to splitting the properties and paying people back. He promised that before I move he will have the major stuff taken care of. I believe him, but I’ll just have to wait and see.

My time between now and moving day will be spent hanging out with friends and family. I’ve been forcing myself to go to happy hours with my friends even though I haven’t been in the mood, because as they keep saying, “When you’re down there and you’re all alone you’re going to regret that you didn’t hang out with us!” Lol. It’s not that I don’t want to go out, but I’m trying to diet for this wedding I’m going to with Dave next week, and every time I go out on a Friday it ends up derailing my diet for the next two days. But my time with my friends is indeed limited, and I can always diet once I’m living down there.

The next big thing on my horizon is telling my job that I’m moving. I’m going to do that when I get back from New Orleans. I get butterflies even thinking about it! I’m praying they’ll let me stay working for them when I move. Even if it’s only for a year. It would make my life soooo much easier if I was able to go down there without having to worry about a job. But if not, oh well, nothing I can do about it.

So yeah, stay tuned to see how that goes!

My last day living alone

The other day I was looking for an excuse not to go to the gym after work when it suddenly hit me that in a few days, I would no longer be living alone. Then I realized that after Sunday, I will probably NEVER live alone again.

This realization freaked me out a little. I’ve been living alone for three years now, and I’ve loved almost every second of it. I can literally only think of ONE time in the past three years when I felt lonely and wished I wasn’t alone. Otherwise, it’s been so nice to be by myself.

That’s because my living situation in the years prior to me living alone was so drama-filled. My ex and I fought all the time before we decided to get divorced. All. The. Time. I mean, I’m talking about, like, 7 years of fighting. After we decided to split we lived together for another 9 months, and although we had separate rooms and weren’t really fighting anymore, the situation was awkward as hell.

I moved from that house to living with my dad and his wife (who is now is ex-wife :-/). I was there for almost three months. The first month was good, but shit started to get crazy there. REALLY crazy. Eventually my dad and I got in a huge fight, and I left.

From there I went to live with my mom and her boyfriend. It wasn’t bad there, but their apartment was pretty small and they would sleep with the tv on ALL NIGHT and I swear they must be deaf because they would have it on so loud! And then they would wake up really early in the mornings and wash dishes and vacuum and do all this loud stuff that would wake me up. (I guess I’m a little noise sensitive.) But at least we didn’t fight.

I lived with my mom for almost a year before moving into the apartment where I am now. After dealing with so much bullshit for so long, it’s been so nice to be in a place that is quiet, where I can sleep as late as I want, where there is no fighting, where I’m not cleaning up anyone else’s mess, and where if I clean something it fucking stays clean and isn’t dirty two seconds later. (I’m getting worked up as I write this – my ex was really messy, if you couldn’t tell, and if I didn’t clean then shit would stay dirty. Really irritating.)

But my solitude is coming to an end! Tonight is my last night in my apartment. Tomorrow I’m moving back in with my mom, and then in a little over two months (73 days to be exact) I’ll be moving in with Dave. I’m so excited for that to happen, but there are definitely things I’ll miss about living alone – like being able to go a few days without a shower, not having to brush my teeth first thing in the morning, etc.

So to celebrate my last night alone, I plan on doing…nothing. I’m going to stay in my pajamas all day, finish packing, watch Bridezillas, eat Chinese food for dinner, and maybe have a glass or two of wine. Ah, sounds like the perfect day. 🙂

GSD – getting sh*t done

So I finally picked a date – May 6. That’s the day I’ll be packing up a rented minivan and driving down to New Orleans with Dave.

Eeeek! It’s so soon! Exactly three months away. Even though time always seems like it’s dragging now because I’m always waiting for the next time I’ll get to see Dave (he’ll be flying up on Valentine’s Day), I know that these next three months are going to flyyyy by.

I have a LOT to do before I go. I made a list of things I need to take care of, and there’s like 20 things on it. Ugh. But I’ve been doing one or two things a day, and slowly it’s dwindling.

This week I’ve been focusing on getting my cars put into my ex’s name. We have two cars, both of which are in my name. His was mostly used for work, and it’s so run down that it’s not even on the road anymore. When it broke down a few years ago, I let him have mine. So the other day I went to the DMV website to see what I need to do to put the cars in his name. It’s pretty simple – you sign over the title and fill out this one short form. Problem is, neither of us has any clue where the titles are. So I had to order new titles for both cars. They’ll come in the mail next week, and then we’ll go down to the DMV and turn in the plates, and he’ll register the cars in his name.

I also called Geico to get rid of the insurance on the piece of shit car and also to get myself off our joint insurance policy. It was so funny – after a half hour conversation with the Geico customer service guy discussing the cars, my divorce, taking me off the policy, and removing my debit card from the autopay, finally he said, “Okay, so right now your ex is listed as the main policy holder, and you’re removed from the account. Is there anything else I can help you with?” I said, “Oh yes, one more thing. My last payment went through on February 3. Since the car is coming off, am I going to get a credit for that?”

Can you believe that this guy actually had the balls to say, “Oh I’m sorry, ma’am. Since you’re not on the account anymore, I can’t discuss payment information with you. Your ex will have to call and ask.” WTF!?! We just spent a half hour on the phone, you know that the payment was made from MY bank account, and yet you won’t answer one simple question that you would have answered if I’d asked it five minutes ago!?! Ridiculous!!

But I didn’t blow up. I just laughed and said, “Okay, well, HYPOTHETICALLY, if someone made a payment and then changes were made to the account, what would happen?” Then he laughed and gave me an answer.

So yeah, I’ll be really happy when “Find out about putting the cars in Garry’s name” is 100% complete and I’m able to cross it off my list.

I also need to get a lawyer and start this divorce. I finally decided on a guy I like, but it’s $2,000 so I’m waiting for my ex to get back from California and then I’m going to see if he has any money to give me for it. If not, I’ll put it on a credit card. I really can’t wait to start the process!

Here’s my list, posted on my cubicle wall so I don’t forget about it:

Otherwise there’s not much going on. My birthday is less that two weeks away, so I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds for the past, well, six months. Lol. But really for the past month. I’ve had ups and downs, but now I’m five pounds away from where I wanted to be for my birthday. And I still want to lose ANOTHER 5 pounds before the end of March (I’m going to a wedding with Dave). I’ve been going to the gym every morning and sometimes after work too, going to salsa class, and eating relatively good. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to hit my birthday target, but the wedding one is still doable. Hopefully I’ll make it to where I want to be.

But if not, who gives a f? I’ve got my man, and he likes me how I am now. Yes, I know you’re supposed to do these things for yourself, and not for other people. But I don’t hate the way I look, so if Dave is happy with it then I really don’t feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to lose weight. Although I do want to lose about 10 pounds before I go wedding dress shopping. I’ve watched enough “Say Yes to the Dress” to know that if you’re not 100% happy and confident about the way you look, trying on dresses will be a miserable experience. And even though I’m okay with how I look now, I know that I will be so happy with my body when I’m 10 pounds lighter – because I was 10 pounds lighter just a few years ago and I loved the way I looked.

Okay, that’s all for now.

Conversation with the ex

Sunday was “the Big Day” – I finally told my ex that I want to start the divorce process and that I met someone and am moving to New Orleans. It went really well. In fact, it went so well that I feel like an asshole for ever thinking that he would be anything but fair.

We met up for dinner around 5. I had decided that I would wait until I was more than halfway done with my meal to bring it up, so we spent the first half of the dinner talking about him, his work, his recent trip home to Ireland, etc. Then there was a lull in the conversation, so I said, “I want to get this divorce started.”

He was like “Okay,” and then he said, “Oh, is that why you wanted to get dinner? I was wondering haha.”

After that the conversation went well. First we talked about money and how we were going to split things up, and even though I had been afraid he was going to try to low-ball me, he was more than fair and I was really happy about it.

I did cry a little bit. The truth is that in the 5 years since we separated, my ex and I have become really good friends, always looking after each other. I still consider him family, and we both want the best for each other. When we started talking about why our relationship failed and how sad it was, I cried a bit. Getting divorced is a very emotional process!

Then I told him I had met somebody. Initially I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell him about Dave, but the since things were going so well I figured I might as well. He asked me a few questions about Dave: What’s his name? How old is he? What does he do? I answered all those questions, and then mentioned that he has a kid.

THEN I told him that Dave lives in New Orleans. It took him a second to process that before he said “Wait, you’re not moving to New Orleans, are you??” When I told him yes, the conversation turned into him grilling me about all details of my relationship: How long have you known him? How many times have you seen him? Does he drink? What’s his family like?

I didn’t take any offense at these questions, since I know he’s just being protective. I told him everything he wanted to know. He said, “I have to meet him before you go. I need to make sure he’s a good guy.” I laughed and said, “Well I don’t know about that.” I wouldn’t have a problem with it per se, but I think that meeting would be more than a little awkward, and I wouldn’t do that to Dave. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll invite him to my going away party, and he can meet Dave then.

By the end of the dinner I had managed to convince him that I’ll be okay moving down there. What I actually said was, “I think I’m a much stronger person now than when you and I were together. If I get down to New Orleans and it doesn’t work out, I won’t be afraid to come back to NY because I’m worried about what people will think. If I had been this strong when you and I were together, we probably would have split about three years earlier.”

That wasn’t a low blow. We both know that we stayed in that marriage way too long, and that things were going bad by the third year. So me saying that I wouldn’t make that mistake again seemed to reassure him. He said, “Okay. Just make sure you use protection, so you don’t get pregnant and end up stuck down there.” Lol.

When we said goodbye we hugged and he said “I’m really happy for you.” Then later when he got home he texted me this:

I can only apologize for being over protective but that will never change. We are family for life through our bond and I am happiest of all if you are happy. I’m your rock when you need someone. Husbands and wives may come and go but our bond is eternal. I’m happy for you and will think only positive thoughts.

I replied:

I appreciate that. You are definitely family for life. I’m glad we managed to get through this whole thing and still feel that way.

He said:

Me too. I think I will be a step closer to happiness knowing you are secure and happy. Go for it Ror!! No guts no glory. Meeting him before you move is non-negotiable. I will be on my best behavior. Just so you know.

And that was it. What a relief to finally have that out of the way! My next task is finding a divorce lawyer. We agree on everything, so the process should be relatively easy. Fingers crossed!